Diandra Interviews Nicole Mercedes: Emotioanlly Settled

Being okay with yourself does not mean things are okay around you, and, for this proud feminist, self-care is equal to caring for the world, which was a core theme for her new record, LOOK OUT WHERE YOU’RE GOING, and our interview.  In it we discuss, her battle with Covid, friendship break-ups, and how band-names can be the very thing blocking you from vulnerability. Enjoy! 

Diandra: How are you during these times? 

Nicole:  I am okay. I think it has been different phases. In the beginning, I got Covid, and I had lost my sense of smell but I was okay. I bartend so I was just exposed to it, and a lot of my friends, who bartend, got it, as well, from work. It happened so early on, and I was isolated in my room for a month. I had my dog so I was okay. I think, the first month, was really hard on people, especially musicians. There was this feeling of I should be creating and recording, but it is okay to give yourself time. Eventually, I started playing piano again, and I went to the BLM protests and filling my increased time with activism. I don’t think it is a very alone time, especially in NYC. It is a very communal, vocal time. That is where I am currently.

Diandra: That is a very altruistic perspective for an artist, especially because you delayed your record. I know there are musicians that took it badly, of which I think it is because being an artist means living in your plans. 

Nicole: If I had to choose between releasing my music and what is happening right now, in terms of BLM, I would choose what is happening right now. The right things are happening right now, not in terms of the pandemic, but in terms of people uniting and protesting injustice. Also, I think I am comfortable with not having a plan. As a musician, that bartends, you get comfortable with not having a plan. I have had plans and then they became nothing (she laughs) so I just prefer not to have a plan. 
Nicole Mercedes – Filters (Official Video)

Diandra: Well, to be fair, I think we are all fed this narrative, especially by the industry, that you can just skyrocket into fame in a second with a massive hit. You could be a bartender and, by the end of the year, Lady Gaga. 

Nicole: Oh yeah! Millennials have been told this our entire lives. I call us the “Disney Generation” where we were taught that everything is going to work out and this “one person” or fairy godmother is going to come in and help us fix everything. I am working on a theory. 

Diandra: Your music sings to that: the narrative the world gives you versus the one you live. 

Nicole: It is like when people talk about God. I am agnostic, and I don’t believe in God, but if he is out there, okay. I don’t care. It is like with the plans; let things work out. Live! 

Diandra; So it is like that idea that the journey is more important than the destination. 

Nicole: Yeah! But I have struggled with that notion, too! Going into my 30’s, I was like I am bartending and pushing through this career that I have where I am doing soundtracks and getting through, and then, a few months in, I am like why am I doing this career? Why am I doing this?

Diandra: What kicks you out of that mindset, which is very common? 

Nicole: What kicks me out is that I don’t know anything. None of us are immortal. I question the paths that are laid out upon me, even in a political aspect or in terms of relationships and monogamy. So why wouldn’t I question career trajectories or what I am supposed to have by a certain age? So many people are doing careers for money, but they don’t love it or have time to be happy, and the same thing with marriage. I don’t reject these things, but I don’t take them in as things I need to do and I wonder about them. 

Diandra: So how do you define happiness? 

Nicole: I think happiness is such a vast word. I do feel like sometimes I miss joy. I like stifle moments rather than take them in. I want to get to a point, in my life, where joy is as important as the rest of the things. I do have anxiety issues, and suffer depression a lot, so when I see people doing things that society says will make them happy, and it does not, I question it. 
Nicole Mercedes “Stoop” (Official Music Video)

Diandra: Is there a song of yours that represents joy for you? 

Nicole: “At Ease” It is a song that is really about that. It was the last song I wrote on the album when I was going through very unfortunate things happening between me and an ex and a best friend. It was about having joy and feeling at ease about it. It was about the little things that got me through that moment. It is about gratitude to yourself for recognizing the little things. 

Diandra: I have to say that a friendship break-up is much harder than a relationship break-up. 

Nicole: RIGHT! I wrote this whole, chamber-pop album about a bad break-up, and everyone thought it was about a guy that had left and did me wrong, and I was like, “No, it is about a friend.” I think because it is not as socially acceptable to put so much weight on a friendship, as a relationship, it looks taboo to really mourn the loss of a friendship like a relationship. When it is a breakup, it is so much more devastating, especially because you don’t have the space to feel it. It is like the rug gets pulled. 

Diandra: Totally! And people act like “Oh, were you in love?”

Nicole: Yeah! But you were in love, in a platonic way. It may not have been sexual, but you were in love with this person. The song was about my ex-husband, who was still such a close friend,  whom I introduced to my close friend, and we were in a band together, and they were both looking for a place, and I suggested they move in together, and they had but they didn’t tell me. It was just bad and it was all these things they did and it was just a betrayal. The worst part was that one day I had two best friends and the next day I had no one. It’s okay. I have an album about it now (she laughs). 
Nicole Mercedes performs “Thumbelina”

Diandra; You went from Debbie Downer, the band, to Nicole Mercedes, what pushed you to transition? 

Nicole: Well, I had started going by Nicole Mercedes in Israel, and I felt a lot of pressure to pick a band-name. Then I thought, “I am really sick of hiding behind a band-name.I want to be more personal.” I have never written an album that is so personal. I am in my early thirties now. I want to do that. 

Diandra: Do you think that comes with being in your thirties? 

Nicole: Yeah, in a sense! I think I feel more emotionally settled. I do feel like there are women whom are so young and where I am at, but it took me ten years to get here. I also think, not living in America, I have struggled feeling comfortable going acoustically. Like, it takes me awhile and when I do, it makes me feel like I’m 18 again (she laughs). With Debbie Downer, it was like we gave the audience what we were about like, this is a pro-feminist band that sings to how men call us Negative Nancys and Debbie Downers to oppress. That is what our songs will be about, but with being me, Nicole Mercedes, it is like “You figure me out! You do the work!” 

Diandra: Do you think in becoming more vulnerable in your music has made you even more sex-positive?

Nicole: I think that when it is so out there, whether it is a social media post or band-name, it feels easier because it is a brand. Yet, when it is personal, it is like I am that friend that everyone is like, “Can’t you let it go!” and I am like, “I will not f**king let it go! You say you are not interested in him and don’t lie about having a boyfriend!” (we burst into laughter!) So sometimes, I feel like my music comes out as very gentle, so I fear it won’t fit into my brand, but I have to have faith that it will.

Diandra: I think it does! Because before you were blunt but now you embody it! 

Nicole: I do think there is a correlation between being active as a feminist and being afraid show vulnerability. When you have been oppressed, for so long, you have to be on the offense so being vulnerable feels strange. I feel like I am in a constant battle for small things. I feel like, when I do sit down, my music becomes very vulnerable because I don’t have that in my life. 

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