Diandra Interviews Rob Kovacs: Five Step Relationships

Alright, I gave Rob Kovacs some really deep questions, but with “Bitter Memory,” his newest single, released, I felt compelled to ask him about how he remembers things. From relationships to video games, a life can be a cluster of so many fabulous and fearful memories. In our interview, we discuss how those memories make music. 

Diandra: What is the inspiration behind Bitter Memory?

Rob: Well, it’s inspired from a personal relationship that had essentially ended a couple years prior to writing the song but also, not totally ended, which just prolonged the process of moving on. After having asked for space, I got a message from them, which invoked a slew of emotions – frustration that they’re still messaging me, but also feeling wanted and glad they still think of me. Moreover, upset at myself as I’m clearly not over them.

Diandra: If you could describe a relationship in 5 steps, how would you do so?

Rob: Ha! Do you mean a successful relationship? “Steps” to me implies a how-to towards some goal. And I don’t view relationships as something that “works out” or as a goal to achieve. It’s more like two objects spinning around each other until one of them wants out or simply peters out. It’s the experience that is what makes it worth everything.

So, ok 5 steps to experiencing a relationship:

First, you notice that someone catches your attention and you feel attracted to them. And then you start thinking about reasons why it wouldn’t go any further – they’re probably dating someone, you don’t have time, you’re still thinking about maybe getting back together with your ex, whatever.

If you get beyond that first stage, next would be letting them get to know you. You imagine having courage to reach out, being open and honest, indicating (in a non-creepy way) that you’re into them, and would like to hang out. But, before that, there’s a healthy dose of thinking of all the reasons why they wouldn’t be interested in you – you’re not tall enough, your job isn’t interesting, YOU’re probably not interesting, etc.

OK, but say you get beyond that and you start to hang out. You talk and get to know each other and you try to see them for who they are and equally important; let them see you as you are. It’s easier said than done as all the negative self-talk sneaks in and tries to convince you to hide parts of who you are, in fear, that the other person might reject you.

But say you get past that and you manage to show each other your true selves, or as much as you’re capable of showing, and you both like each other then you agree to stay together in whatever way makes you both happy. This is the relationship. It continues to grow through this phase. It doesn’t end here, and you can’t coast. You have to keep relating and giving the other your attention. And this is the amazing part where you learn to love someone and let them love you and the love only grows deeper and strengthens the bond between the two of you, which can lead to marriage or some other union. That probably should be its own stage but I only get five so, I’m going to lump them together.

The fifth step, to me, is the ending stage, when the relationship ends. I don’t hear this stage talked about as much, but it’s certainly a part of all of my romantic relationships and most people that I know. Almost everyone has had a relationship end. And at some point, every relationship will end, most commonly in a break up of some sort, or it can a lifetime and one of us will pass away before the other. This is obviously the most difficult phase. You’re left trying to process the relationship that was and the effect it had on you, and how it changed you. There’s a lot of growth here. It’s probably the most important step. I don’t mean to sound morbid. I think it’s important to keep that last stage in mind, at least for me. It helps to remind me to cherish every moment that I do have with someone I love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnQdP03iYIo

Diandra: If you had a vision for your perfect future, what would it entail?

Rob:  We’re only on question 3 and you’re asking deep questions, lol. “Perfect future”… Man, I think about what I want my future to be often but to be honest I can’t imagine a “perfect” one. But if I can just make it happen, a perfect future would be one where I simply wake up feeling happy and refreshed, next to the love of my life who trusts, cares for and accepts me, and whom I equally trust, care and accept. We live somewhere warm year round, near the ocean (San Diego? Australia?) We have a dog and two young kids. We have steady income and live within our means and don’t worry about money.

I have time – time and space to write and record new music. This would include my own songs, as well other projects. Time to work on arranging NES songs on piano for 88bit, or working on a new video game soundtrack. I’d have come off a tour and maybe be planning the next one. I feel supported and happy with who I am and accomplished with music I’ve created. I’m collaborating with other amazing artists that I revere and respect. I have a deep sense of gratitude and appreciation for the world around me. That would be an amazing life. 🙂

Diandra: If you were a video game character, which would you be and why? 

Rob: Ooo, another question straight to my heart. I really love Mega Man but it would be weird to have one arm that is just a cannon. Another favorite game of mine, as a kid, was Secret of Mana. It was an action RPG and you can rename your characters. Naturally, I named the main character “Rob.” He pulls a sacred sword out of a stone, fights monsters, can do magic, is joined by two other warriors and they tries to restore peace in his world.

Similarly, I want to impact my world, positively, both through music and who I am as a person. It’s certainly a challenging pursuit but I enjoy trying to overcome challenges and growing stronger as a person.

Diandra: You sing to how life changes, what has life’s changes and/or ability to change taught you about yourself? 

Rob: Such deep questions, lol. I appreciate them though. 🙂 What has “change” taught me about myself? So much! I try to embrace change. It, to me, is essential to life. Living things are constantly changing, constantly in motion. Dead things only stay static or decay. If I resist change, I’m resisting living fully. Change is rarely comfortable or easy, so it’s natural to WANT to resist change, but it’s imperative to embrace it.

Seeing the world change and seeing myself grow and change has taught me there is always room to grow. And if I come across something where I can’t find a solution, right away, rather than give up, I believe that if I keep coming back to it and give it more time, a solution will eventually reveal itself.

Diandra; What is your favorite memory with family and music? 

Rob: When I think of my family I don’t really think of us making music together, as my siblings were much older and not really around much of my youth. But when I was really young, like a toddler, my sister would play piano and I would just run in circles around this glass table. The faster she’d play the faster I’d run. I loved it and it’s probably what inspired me to want to learn to play piano, too.

Diandra: What has music taught you about healing yourself? What is something that music helped you heal? 

Rob: Another good question. I don’t know if music has helped me heal any more than shedding tears when you’re sad or hurt helps you heal. If, however, you are unable to cry when deeply sad then that can create issues. I have been in that place before where I feel unable to express or understand an emotion, and I will be in that place again. That’s where music has really been life-saving. As the saying goes, “music expresses the inexpressible,” and that can vary from person to person. For me, and for a good portion of my young adulthood, I struggled to express some of the more negative feelings – sadness, longing, confusion, anxiety. Looking back, that’s where music has been most healing, during those times.

Diandra: If you could turn a movie into a concept album, which would you choose and why? From what perspective? 

Rob: Wow, that seems…really challenging, ha! Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind probably. It’s one of my favorite movies and I can relate very much with the feelings in the movie – being in love, having wonderful moments together, arguing, conflict, trying to understand why things are happening the way they are, “Is it me? Is it them?” trying to hold on, loss. It would probably end up being pretty similar to the album I’m about to release, (lol) 

Diandra: If you could turn an album into a movie, which would it be and why? What would be its premise and who would you cast? 

Rob: I had to think hard about this one, ha. I’d pick Sufjan Steven’s “Come On Feel the Illinois.” It’s such great storytelling. Each song does such a good job depicting characters or events related to Midwestern America that I think you could build a compelling and simple movie out of the different stories on this album, similar to a Forest Gump-type movie, but with several main characters and the adventures they’d find. Who would play these characters? Oh man, I’m absolutely terrible at knowing who actors are. 😂

Diandra:  If you could choose one piano song/ concerto to summarize your life so far, which would it be and why? 

Rob: I’m going to go with a concerto, specifically Ravel’s Piano Concerto in G Major. For one, it’s my favorite piano concerto (though I’ve never played it. I’d love to some day.) A concerto is fitting as you have a soloist taking the lead most of the time, with the orchestra playing a supporting role. I think that’s pretty apt to life. You go about living and directing your life but from day one you have your family supporting you and throughout your life, there are always people there to help you move along. I certainly would not be where I am today without the countless people who have influenced my life.

But also in the concerto, you have moments where the soloist plays a supporting role, and that’s a role I cherish as well. I love being able to help others and see them reach their goals and potential.

And these three movements of Ravel’s piano concerto in particular can be mapped to my life. The first movement – unpredictable, exciting, everything is new, lots of orchestral support, exploration, discovery, playfulness. There’s even a “bluesy” sounding motif that is reflective of me learning to play blues when I was younger which greatly shaped the way I play piano today.

The second movement is absolutely gorgeous and is very much to me the feeling of being in love and all the complexities that that entails.

The third movement is wild and frantic – feelings I’ve felt a lot in my adult life especially living in NYC and also, just periods when I have a lot going on that I can barely keep up with (like currently, ha)

Diandra: How do you feel Let Go reflects your personality and perspective on life? 

Rob: It reflects a portion of my personality, one that I had struggled to express otherwise. The songs and the lyrics were inspired from a time in my life that happened over 10 years ago, and a time that inspired a great deal of reflection and personal growth and therapy. So, I feel the album accurately reflects that period of my life, which makes up who I am today. I feel though I’ve gained greater understanding and acceptance of myself and others since that time.

This album is by far the most personal and vulnerable thing I’ve ever put out, and that in itself is reflective of how I view life. Being vulnerable is scary and you open yourself up to ridicule or being discarded, but if you want to truly connect with others and let people connect with you, there is no avoiding being vulnerable.

Diandra: What are things you let go of and gained in 2020? 

Rob: Ugh. Earlier this year, right before the pandemic, I let go of the love of my life. We had a wonderful relationship for a couple years and I’m so grateful for it, but what we needed for our individual futures was in conflict with the other’s. So we had to let each other go, and ugh, that was so hard.

Shortly after that, I had to let go of all my plans for 2020, as a freelance and gigging musician, all of that changed. For example, two days before everything shut down I was about to temporarily move to another state for about a month to play keyboard for a brand new musical.

But from all of this letting go, I’ve gained clarity and stronger direction. I have no excuse not to fully pursue my musical goals as I’ve been doing. I’ve gained confidence along the way. As well as new friends and a greater community of incredibly supportive people in my life.

I’ve also achieved a big goal, which is finally releasing this album! It has been one of my New Year’s resolutions for the past several years, ha. So, I’m very happy to finally be checking that one off. 🙂

And you ask really great and artistic questions, Diandra! I’m a fan. Thank you so much for listening to my music and for choosing to interview me.